Friday, November 3, 2017

The struggle is in my mind

This morning, it was hard to wake up, too. I finished off my cereal yesterday, and it's hard to motivate myself without knowing my cereal is there for me. I don't know how many times I looked through the fridge and stood staring at the pantry. Eventually, I decided that the best thing I got from cereal was the protein in the milk, so I poured myself a glass and got chocolate syrup to make it chocolate milk. That worked. But so far, it's the only thing I've eaten.
I need to go to Walmart, I've got a little list of things I need. But without having a good meal, I really don't feel like going out. I'm feeling the temptation to despair, to say it's coming back again, I'm getting worse like last year, but I have to fight that. I can go to Walmart on an empty stomach. I can do that. Heck, I've got some Halloween candy that I can munch on in the car to get some last-minute energy. If I'm desperate, and I am, I can make it to the store.
Then I can come home and eat my cereal, and my day will be fixed.
I've got work this afternoon, and the trend I've seen during this first week of the job is that each day is less bad. Which is good. The kids are getting more used to me every day. And it's only 3:00-6:00, three hours of sitting and encouraging good behavior as well as I can. When I'm done tonight, I'm going to my friends' apartment to hang out and play D&D. That will be fun. :)
I can do this.
I can do this.
I can get up and brush my hair, and put my socks and shoes on, and grab a scarf and my purse.
I can go out to the car and get in and drive to Walmart.
And then I can drive back, get home, and eat my cereal.
I can do this.

The struggle is real

The struggle is in my mind.

Thursday, November 2, 2017

Travel Poem from 2013 and 2015


Suitcases get tagged, prepare for jetlag
As you mount the stairs to the plane
Four layovers on your way over
You hope it doesn't drive you insane

Announcements vague as your house slips away
Leaving for another country
You flew the globe and moved your home
Five times before you were twenty

Now the transit stays just can't faze
Your hardcore travel attitude
You never feel sick with the seats you pick
And adjust well to the altitude

But something inside nags and asks why
You're always in constant motion
You wonder how it would feel now
If you'd never crossed that ocean

You forget the feeling and just quit dealing
With memories left behind
But the thoughts come back, you've got some packed
In the luggage of your mind.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Poetry, Volume 1

The other day, I was brave

On Friday when I was doing some training for my sitter job, I didn't bring a phone charger in the car. So when I left, planning to find my way to my friends' apartment which was "up that way," too, from home, I didn't know where I was going. Loveland to Mason. I know they're geographically close, but I don't know what roads connect them, lol.
So I kind of drove around a bit, up a road that looked like it was going towards a water tower and some power lines that looked familiar, and down another road that ended up not being familiar at all.
Eventually, and this was like 10 minutes after leaving their house, I found the Meijer and Sam's Club that I've been to before in that area. Finally, somewhere familiar! I knew where I was, but I just didn't know where that was in relation to where I wanted to go... Anyway. I knew I couldn't get my phone to charge or anything, so I knew I was going to have to either wander around for a while (I had a couple hours before the Halloween party started that I was going to, so I had time to kill), or I would have to ask for directions. From a stranger. And the only businesses I'd seen so far had been gas stations and things, and I was not about that.

So, Sam's Club, I figure there are nice people there, it's a cool store. They have really good chip selection there. The people give you tastes of the food you could buy, hot and ready from their booths. It's a cool place. So I pulled into the Sam's Club parking lot and sat in my car, and I told myself, "Alright, Ashley, you're going to go in there, and you're going to ask somebody for directions. You're an adult. You can do it."
So I did.
I grabbed my purse and walked toward the entrance just like the other people in the parking lot. I felt kind of conspicuous for no reason, but sometimes our self-doubt feeds itself embarrassment from imagined sources...
I walked in the door, and the lady there by the entrance was immediately welcoming. She looked like that nice neighbor who's retired and makes quilts in her free time and gave you a handmade candy apple for Halloween when you were little. The kind of lady that your mom would probably hug every Sunday, because she used to teach her in Sunday school. I don't know, she just seemed like she had loved generations of people and now she was loving them from the entrance of the Sam's Club in Loveland.

So I asked her, kind of haltingly, "Hi, are you busy? Do you think you could give me directions?" And I explained my phone being dead, and everything.
And she was just like, "Well I'll try! Where do you need to go?"
"Where in Mason?"
I was stumped for a minute because I only knew the routing address that I put into my phone, not the roads it was on or the part of town.
She told me she only knew landmarks, and asked what it was close to. And then I remembered.
"Oh! There's a Red Robin right at the place where we turn."
And she knew the Red Robin in Mason! I was so excited. I just made a connection. Hehe

So she explained how to get there, and I wrote the directions down in my notebook. There were lefts and rights and there were street names and "at the intersection with the two gas stations and the CVS" and stuff. I was very impressed.
I thanked her and she smiled and it made me so happy.

So yeah. After that, I followed those directions! I missed a turn because I thought I knew where I was, but after I missed it, the road immediately became unfamiliar. But eventually I ended up at the Red Robin, and that was exciting, and then I got to my friends' apartment, which was also exciting.

I did a thing. A scary thing. Yay. x)

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

the puns

Josh S: "Sometimes I don't make any sense."
me: "Every once in a while, I make some dollars." 

Monday, October 30, 2017

Almost a year

It's been almost a year since I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. My story started a long time before that, but Oct 31, 2016 was the day I actually went to the doctor.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Published Poetry!!

I have spent the last 4 years in a lot of different ways, and some of it was spent writing poetry. I've posted some of my recent poetry here on this blog.

But now, I've spent the last few months putting together the best of my poetry! I've published it to, a refutable website to my knowledge. It was researched by a friend of mine and found to be very easy to work with, as well as giving a good amount of the profit.

So I'm selling my book on this website. It's discounted right now for the first 10 sales! After that I'll put it back to full price, at $20.69.

Buy my new book of poetry here at

Friday, October 20, 2017

Lecrae: powerful lyrics

I thought I could post a lyric video for a song every once and a while on here. This song by Lecrae is one I always turn up in the car.

Mom's visiting

My mom is flying up from AZ tomorrow! She'll be here from Saturday to Wednesday. She has to do half a day's worth of flying to get back and forth, so it's 3 days and 2 half-days. I've got a list of attractions that I want to show her, it's gonna be cool. I want to take pictures while she's here, because I don't see her as often now that I'm away and I don't come home during school breaks or stuff. I'll probably post pictures on Facebook, but I might post them here, too. :)

P.S. Rickey, you and Noah should come visit me. I miss you guys.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Finally getting a job!

So yesterday I met with a couple who has two kids that they need after-school care for. The mom was so sweet! We talked for a long time before the husband arrived and we got him caught up on what we talked about. I don't want to overstep the boundaries of online information, since I haven't asked about what she's comfortable with me sharing online about her family. But suffice it to say that I'm very excited, and I'm starting next Thursday. :)

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Current anxiety level:
Lint-rolling the floor, because I hate how loud a vacuum cleaner is, and I also don't want to have to go down and get it from the closet. The walk of shame up to my room, trying to lug the heavy vacuum cleaner up the stairs... I'd rather lint-roll the floor, spot clean it. There are lots of little black pieces from a pair of boots I got out, the inner lining is coming apart, so when I was zipping them up, the black pieces got all over. I got it pretty clean, too. Now I just have to make my bed, and the room will look much better. But still. I hate vacuums.

Poem and Music track combo

This is the story behind an interesting song and a poem.

One day, I was feeling kinda overwhelmed socially, so I decided to clear out the floor of my closet, put a pillow and blanket in there, and bring my laptop in with me. I turned on my twinkle lights, and it was dimly lit and comfy and quiet. Then I created the song "Save me a seat in the panic room." A few days later, I wrote this poem, inspired by how I felt. I played the song as I wrote it, and it's cool to listen to it and read the poem at the same time.

Save me a seat in the panic room

One step behind the other,
I keep my eyes ahead.
I'll keep myself together
If I watch where I have tread.

I'm sure I'm being hunted
By monsters in the night.
Not sure if I've been stunted,
Or if this is their true height.

But if the shadows wavered,
Or gave way to my stare,
I'd sing instead of quaver
And stand with shoulders square.

No time to sit and panic
Or just wait for the dawn.
Until I leave the manic,
I must keep trudging on.

Wait until I'm with you,
And then I might break down.
Take comfort when it's through,
When at last pain makes a sound.

Just save me a seat in the closet
I'm fighting my fears now:
Fear was the one to cause it,
But I will answer how.

Ashley Spence
August 8, 2017

I hope to write more poems based on songs in the future. It was really fun.

I really do like songwriting in itself, as in, lyrics that go to music, but poetry is different. You can read a poem over and over, and dwell on one word for as long as you want. But in a lyrical song, you hear the words once, within a certain period of time. Sure, you can replay the song and think about the lyrics again, but most of the time, the song has one shot to get you to think about its meaning. Poetry can have more layers and depth to it than a song can. If a song is just a poem put to music, it can be difficult to understand its meaning right away. 
To turn a poem into a song, you kind of have to stick with one thought. You can repeat phrases to get the thought across, though, which is helpful. In the end, songwriting and poetry are separate things. It takes a study of both to excel in it, and if you're just good at poetry your songs might not be as good. It takes practice. 
I should practice songwriting more often. :)

Friday, October 13, 2017

My Remix Demo

Hey! I'm sharing a link, on this blog only, of the first take of my remix. I'm in the process of adding more right now, but this is what I've gotten polished since yesterday. It's a secret link, just so that I don't spam my SoundCloud followers with an unfinished track, but so that I can share it with the guy whose song I'm remixing.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Legit or Scam?

I'm having an internal struggle right now, I've got trouble trying to figure out if someone is a scam or not.
I had replied to their job offer on the website I mentioned in an earlier post, and a lot of the details seemed very reasonable, but some details were missing. I know that I can be gullible, that people can trick me, but then sometimes I can see things in people that they can't see themselves. I can't tell if I'm intuitive with people or if I'm not, and people walk over me. I can't decide what to do.
I'm getting help with the decision of course, and the employer in question did offer to meet in a public place (a McDonalds) for the first meeting, so that's a good sign. I'll probably just have someone come with me, so I can get a second opinion of them.

In other news, I'm making a remix of a song!
I've done it before, it was really intricate, and I enjoyed it.
The original song is here, I follow this guy on SoundCloud.

I really like the song, so I'm gonna add some extra synth.
Maybe a drum track, some layers of chords...yeah.
I'm gonna put my own spin on it. :) 

I just hope that, with the whole job thing, that it really isn't a scam. The email had kind of bad grammar, but some people make grammar mistakes, especially ones who aren't technologically adept. If you could, would you pray for me that I would be able to discern whether it's real or not? I need it right now. Thanks. :)

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Throwback: Hope EP by Waive
Hope EP on SoundCloud

This was the first time I put together some tracks into an album, and I thought about publishing it for a while. I barely used any of these original tracks in my album on NoiseTrade, but it was the first thing I really was proud of and wanted to put out there as a compilation. :)

Poem: Inspiration


Inspiration grips my soul
And gives my mind no peace;
I try and try to let it go,
But silence baffles me.

Sometimes in the darkest night
It's dreams that haunt my eyes
And sometimes, inspiration's height
Looks about agony's size.

Ideas sometimes look like pain
And memories that hurt me;
And beautiful though my song may be,
Perhaps its roots concern me.

But art, it lies within the choice
To make a lie show truth
And find the love inside the voice
Of your heartrending youth.

Don't build your statues with ashes:
Compress them into stone,
And watch as sorrow clashes
With love that builds a home.

Darkness is no shelter,
But is an invitation
For light to burn the better
As fire: my inspiration.

Monday, October 9, 2017

Job Searching

Well, this morning has been eventful. After kind of breaking down internally and wanting to go back to bed, I messed around on my computer, procrastinating, until I finally just googled "Daycare jobs in Milford" to see if there was another place I could apply to besides the one last week. That one didn't look perfect, really, because it had long hours.
But then I found this website that sets you up with parents who need a babysitter, or a nanny, or someone to pick up their kids or watch their dog, and you can set up a profile with your qualifications and a picture of you and you can apply to things and yeah! It looked normal at first but then I got super excited at all of the jobs I could apply to. I think I applied to five. I sent personalized messages based on what they'd written in their job posting, like "I love music, in fact, I studied music in college! I can give piano lessons, too, if you're interested" and stuff like that.
I didn't think I'd get that much done today, not at least from my perspective this morning. In the end, I'm not sure how it happened. But I'm glad it did, because now I've gotten excited about getting a job. I'm gonna go eat some lunch now. :)

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Renaissance Festival

Yesterday, Alex and I went to the Renaissance Festival up near Columbus! We got there at 11, and it had only opened at 10:30, so we were there for most of everything that went on. We didn't have costumes, at least, I didn't have one I was comfortable wearing where it might be too muddy to keep my dress clean. But we bought costumes at the shops there, and it was so much fun. 
We also saw real-life jousting, and I saw a guy get completely knocked off his horse!! It was crazy. The crowds were going nuts. Also they have really sharp swords, and they sliced a watermelon in half, from a horse, when the watermelon was sitting on a guy's head (he had a huge metal armor helmet). 
We got to see Ireland's number 1 tribal bagpipes and drums band, Albannach! We were on our feet jumping and clapping along, and they were going insane up on the stage, jumping everywhere and this one guy with a million tattoos was swinging his hair each time he hit the drum he was playing. That was one of my favorite parts.
All in all, it was an amazing day, and we have this picture (and a few other goofy ones that are still on Alex's phone) to show for it. I just love the castle in the background, that was the entrance gate to the festival. 

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Creative To-Do List updated.

Completed and Incomplete items from a few days ago:
  • Listen to Enya's entire 'Greatest Hits' album  Look into buying on iTunes with my iTunes money I've been saving
  • Complete "Cinematic Buzz" track in GarageBand and post to SoundCloud. 
  • Play piano
  • Look for inspiration for a track inspired by 'red 18' from Tori, since other attempts failed at being awesome enough and I'm starting at square 1
  • Write a poem for today, possibly about feeling miraculously motivated
  • Make a smoothie 
  • Finish watching Hotel Transylvania 
  • Turn my calendar to October 
I only need to work on Tori's song and write a poem. I once had a New Year's resolution to write one poem every day, but I've barely written 12 poems in the past 12 months...
I went to the doctor yesterday for this cold I've had for the past week and a half, and I got an antibiotic and a lot of instructions on how to get all this stuffiness cleared up. So I'm laying low today, I've got permission to take long naps without setting a timer to wake up after 30 minutes, haha. 
When I finally decided that a week and a half was too long to be sick without doing anything about it, and I knew I had to call the doctor myself to make the appointment, I was kind of nervous about it. But I didn't let that stop me. And then I called, and they were able to get me in so quickly! It was encouraging to see results from doing something that was intimidating to me. 
Who knows what else I'll conquer as I go? Maybe I'll try painting my nails, finally, and just settle for the bad paint job that I'm sure I'll do the first or second time I try. But maybe I'll keep trying, and as I fail forward, I'll get better at it. Then I won't have anything keeping me from painting my own nails. Maybe I should put that on my list for the next thing I tackle. I don't have a job in the food industry anymore, and that kept me from being able to have painted nails at all, previously. But now, I only paint them when I can miraculously end up getting someone else who offers to paint them for me. And then I never take it off, and it just chips off as the months go by...not the best way to go. 

Today I'm sweeping the house. So I'm playing the Enya's Greatest Hits album as I go. I've got the kitchen swept, and I'm going to pull the chairs out and do the dining room...I'll probably take a little break each time I finish a room. I'll get this done, and then I will have accomplished another thing. :)

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

New Song on SoundCloud

Click here to listen to Cinematic Buzz, my newest track!

What would the world be like...

...if everybody's middle fingers shot bubbles.
Just imagine, a whole fifth of your hands devoted to making people laugh.
And maybe some people's bubbles would be pretty colors, or there would be bubble olympics to see who could make the biggest ones...
I'm just imagining people in the store, walking by pushing their shopping carts, and there's a baby that has just discovered his bubble finger, and he's shooting bubbles left and right. And they're all tiny bubbles, and it's just filling the air.
I kinda want a bubble gun.


People I've shared this blog with:
Amazing roommate from 2016, sweet loving cousin, best friend in early high school, awesome friends from high school, good book reading friend, musical collaborator & friend, big little brother, my man.
All people who I trust and love. People who've always supported me and who make me smile. I love sharing things with these people because they inspire me and build me up. Thanks for being such awesome people. :) You really brighten my world.

Monday, October 2, 2017

My Creative To-Do List

Oct 2, 2017 to-do list

  • Listen to Enya's entire 'Greatest Hits' album (already through 15 of 20 tracks, consider buying...)
  • Complete "Cinematic Buzz" track in GarageBand and post to SoundCloud. I need bass in this track, along with some extra rhythmic layers that soften the buzz
  • Play piano
  • Look for inspiration for a track inspired by 'red 18' from Tori, since other attempts failed at being awesome enough and I'm starting at square 1
  • Write a poem for today, possibly about feeling miraculously motivated
  • Make a smoothie 
  • Finish watching Hotel Transylvania from Saturday when I started it
  • Turn my calendar to October (it's been stuck on April and I haven't taken it down from the wall to change it in exactly six months.)
These are starting to not be just creative things . . . But I can look at them as if they are creative, because, in the end, I'll have more creative energy if I'm motivated by looking at the successes. The little things I've gotten done. That's a better way to look at it, instead of, "I have so much I have to do, and I only feel motivated to do the whimsical things, not the important ones."

If I look at the successes and not the failures, I won't feel like I've let myself down. I can show myself the same grace and mercy and patience that I show to others. Sometimes I hold myself to an impossible standard, and that's when I am overwhelmed by my thoughts. But I want to give myself a break, so that I can keep going and push through when I have those thoughts that I'm not doing a good enough job. 
All these things are doable. So I'll stop writing about it and go try doing it. :)

First Post

October 2, 2017

Today I decided that I want to start a blog. Not necessarily for anyone to read, except for myself and some friends, and mainly for the purpose of having a majority of my creative content shared to one place. I'll post SoundCloud links here when I post them. I'll have links to my poems from I don't really want to post things on Facebook, and Tumblr is annoying for this type of blog. So I'll post them here.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Poem September 28, 2017


In autumn, my soul feels closer
To the wind and leaves that fall.
I wrap the world up tightly
And my scarf makes me feel tall.

The breeze that bites and strikes me
And fills my eyes with tears
Is welcome when I'm lonely,
When I cover up my ears.

I love just taking comfort
In the warmth of my own skin
When boots and hat and gloves here
Keep all my warmness in.

If only every day got cold,
And every evening froze:
For then, I'd get to hug myself
From my head down to my toes.