Friday, November 3, 2017

The struggle is in my mind

This morning, it was hard to wake up, too. I finished off my cereal yesterday, and it's hard to motivate myself without knowing my cereal is there for me. I don't know how many times I looked through the fridge and stood staring at the pantry. Eventually, I decided that the best thing I got from cereal was the protein in the milk, so I poured myself a glass and got chocolate syrup to make it chocolate milk. That worked. But so far, it's the only thing I've eaten.
I need to go to Walmart, I've got a little list of things I need. But without having a good meal, I really don't feel like going out. I'm feeling the temptation to despair, to say it's coming back again, I'm getting worse like last year, but I have to fight that. I can go to Walmart on an empty stomach. I can do that. Heck, I've got some Halloween candy that I can munch on in the car to get some last-minute energy. If I'm desperate, and I am, I can make it to the store.
Then I can come home and eat my cereal, and my day will be fixed.
I've got work this afternoon, and the trend I've seen during this first week of the job is that each day is less bad. Which is good. The kids are getting more used to me every day. And it's only 3:00-6:00, three hours of sitting and encouraging good behavior as well as I can. When I'm done tonight, I'm going to my friends' apartment to hang out and play D&D. That will be fun. :)
I can do this.
I can do this.
I can get up and brush my hair, and put my socks and shoes on, and grab a scarf and my purse.
I can go out to the car and get in and drive to Walmart.
And then I can drive back, get home, and eat my cereal.
I can do this.

The struggle is real

The struggle is in my mind.

Thursday, November 2, 2017

Travel Poem from 2013 and 2015


Suitcases get tagged, prepare for jetlag
As you mount the stairs to the plane
Four layovers on your way over
You hope it doesn't drive you insane

Announcements vague as your house slips away
Leaving for another country
You flew the globe and moved your home
Five times before you were twenty

Now the transit stays just can't faze
Your hardcore travel attitude
You never feel sick with the seats you pick
And adjust well to the altitude

But something inside nags and asks why
You're always in constant motion
You wonder how it would feel now
If you'd never crossed that ocean

You forget the feeling and just quit dealing
With memories left behind
But the thoughts come back, you've got some packed
In the luggage of your mind.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Poetry, Volume 1

The other day, I was brave

On Friday when I was doing some training for my sitter job, I didn't bring a phone charger in the car. So when I left, planning to find my way to my friends' apartment which was "up that way," too, from home, I didn't know where I was going. Loveland to Mason. I know they're geographically close, but I don't know what roads connect them, lol.
So I kind of drove around a bit, up a road that looked like it was going towards a water tower and some power lines that looked familiar, and down another road that ended up not being familiar at all.
Eventually, and this was like 10 minutes after leaving their house, I found the Meijer and Sam's Club that I've been to before in that area. Finally, somewhere familiar! I knew where I was, but I just didn't know where that was in relation to where I wanted to go... Anyway. I knew I couldn't get my phone to charge or anything, so I knew I was going to have to either wander around for a while (I had a couple hours before the Halloween party started that I was going to, so I had time to kill), or I would have to ask for directions. From a stranger. And the only businesses I'd seen so far had been gas stations and things, and I was not about that.

So, Sam's Club, I figure there are nice people there, it's a cool store. They have really good chip selection there. The people give you tastes of the food you could buy, hot and ready from their booths. It's a cool place. So I pulled into the Sam's Club parking lot and sat in my car, and I told myself, "Alright, Ashley, you're going to go in there, and you're going to ask somebody for directions. You're an adult. You can do it."
So I did.
I grabbed my purse and walked toward the entrance just like the other people in the parking lot. I felt kind of conspicuous for no reason, but sometimes our self-doubt feeds itself embarrassment from imagined sources...
I walked in the door, and the lady there by the entrance was immediately welcoming. She looked like that nice neighbor who's retired and makes quilts in her free time and gave you a handmade candy apple for Halloween when you were little. The kind of lady that your mom would probably hug every Sunday, because she used to teach her in Sunday school. I don't know, she just seemed like she had loved generations of people and now she was loving them from the entrance of the Sam's Club in Loveland.

So I asked her, kind of haltingly, "Hi, are you busy? Do you think you could give me directions?" And I explained my phone being dead, and everything.
And she was just like, "Well I'll try! Where do you need to go?"
"Where in Mason?"
I was stumped for a minute because I only knew the routing address that I put into my phone, not the roads it was on or the part of town.
She told me she only knew landmarks, and asked what it was close to. And then I remembered.
"Oh! There's a Red Robin right at the place where we turn."
And she knew the Red Robin in Mason! I was so excited. I just made a connection. Hehe

So she explained how to get there, and I wrote the directions down in my notebook. There were lefts and rights and there were street names and "at the intersection with the two gas stations and the CVS" and stuff. I was very impressed.
I thanked her and she smiled and it made me so happy.

So yeah. After that, I followed those directions! I missed a turn because I thought I knew where I was, but after I missed it, the road immediately became unfamiliar. But eventually I ended up at the Red Robin, and that was exciting, and then I got to my friends' apartment, which was also exciting.

I did a thing. A scary thing. Yay. x)