7.3 Whew, wedding planning...

I Want To Invite Everyone

And I don't know what to do about it.

     But seriously. If you read this blog then you're someone I want to invite. I didn't share this blog with eeeverybody on, like, my Facebook friends list, or anything like that. Just y'all. Like 6 or 7 of you. 

     It's August 31st in Ohio, and if you could make it and want to come, I've probably already added you to my guest list (the invitations are going out really soon, I promise!) and you may have received my Save-The-Date email if I had the right address for you. 

     I think of new people every week that I want to invite, people that I want to be able to come and just have fun and get to be there for my wedding, and there are so many already in my list from my 75+ extended family members, to my parents' and Alex's parents' family friends from both AZ and OH, to the special little group of my college roommates I was able to round up to be part of my bridesmaids.... There are just so many. And Alex doesn't want me to add a hundred more people just in case we have to feed 300+ people because we are not prepared for that. :/ 

     I'm just so torn. 

     Like, back in November when Alex proposed to me, and we hadn't started talking about wedding dates yet, I thought it would be sooner than it ended up being. And I sorta thought it would be SO long to wait. But now, I feel like I wish I had more time to prepare, or at least had set my due dates a month earlier than I needed them, because now I HAVE to send out all the invitations and I just now finished designing them (my dad's printing and mailing them all, thank the Lord) and I realized I haven't organized everybody's mailing addresses in one place. >.< What am I doing? How did I miss that?

     And then there were some people whose email addresses hadn't been correct when I sent the Save-The-Date back in April or whenever it was. So they don't know when or where my wedding is and they're asking my mom. >.< aaaackk 

     So many of the people I love are on the list, though, and that's awesome and for the ones that I already know are going to be there, that's amazing! I am excited, I am glad, and I'll be thrilled to see everyone on the big day.

     But now I need to go make a little document with the RSVP and Registry info on it so Dad can put that slip of paper in with all the invitations. xP

--ACS, July 3rd, 2019

Surprise days off :O

Hey =) Positive update on how I've felt slightly stressed with work:

I had a really nice day yesterday when I decided to check my work schedule to make sure I was supposed to come in -- and I had the day off! Praise the Lord. because I needed to take a morning to breathe. and make a breakfast sandwich. from bread that I baked on Wednesday. :)

I even ended up going shopping with Mrs. Broening to look for a new dress for the engagement photoshoot that Alex and I are going to have. I tried on 8 dresses at JC Penney's (lol yes it was a lot, but I at least like to think that I go faster now than I did in the past when shopping with her or my mom.) There were several dresses that I really liked, 2 that I would have bought, but we were just there for one, so I made the choice and maybe I'll go back with Alex sometime to look at some of the less fancy dresses that I had to pass over because of the occasion we were shopping for. :) But it felt good, uplifting to me, to analyze the clothing racks, discover a hint of a nice color behind the blacks and the jewel tones that would just absolutely make me look like a ghost, and to feel like an explorer in the jungle when I'd find the one medium in the sea of X-Small's and XX-Large's. The rare finds in the clearance section. The ridiculous styles that I saw and thought, "You know, I'll just try it on for fun." It was a breath of fresh air and a great time with my future mother-in-law.

After JC Penney's (where we bought the one dress), we tried Kohl's, but I didn't like the way any of the 5 or 6 outfits looked when I tried them on...there were a couple jumpsuits (the kind where it looks like a summer dress from far away and then when you take it off the rack, you realize it's not a skirt but Pants that are just flowy) that I tried on just for fun, because hey, I'm tall, but if there was one that looked good on me, it would be nice (and with jumpsuits you never have to worry about the wind blowing your shirt around). But none of them were a good fit, but it was okay because we already had the best JC Penney option. We just wanted to make sure there wasn't one gem waiting in the Kohl's store that would completely blow the other dress out of the water. But there wasn't, so we kept the JC Penney's dress. *ahem*

At that point it wasn't too late in the afternoon yet, so we talked about what else we could get done for wedding planning while I still had the day off. And I felt super proud of myself for being prepared and thinking ahead and being mindful of the errands I'd need to run/items I'd need to purchase: I had a List. 

(I just really wanted to show some kind of dorky excited gif about how I felt when I pulled that out and had the perfect thing for us to accomplish next.)

And everything turned out awesome: of the stuff on my list that I could look into without needing to choose them with Alex, most of them were bridal accessories.

So I don't know if I've shared this on my blog before, but a while ago when my family was staying with me (after Christmas when I'd traveled with them for several weeks and we were in my apartment while my dad & brothers did some maintenance on my car and my mom and I tackled some wedding planning stuff), I made a list of the aspects of a wedding, and I ranked them by how important of an issue it was to me.

This is completely unrelated but I saw it while scrolling down to find the picture from January that I actually wanted to share, and I remembered it and had to post it so I can laugh at it and share an ADD moment with you...okay...on to the actual topic

This is what Mom and Rickey were doing while I wrote up my master plan on the sweet new whiteboard they'd helped me install on my pantry door. 

Here!! These are all things I need to plan for the wedding, all things that need to be decided on and planned and bought and scheduled and organized, and I put numbers to them all so that I could express which ones were important enough for me to spend more money/more time on them, and which ones I just needed someone to help me make a quick decision about and move on with.

And guess what Mrs. Broening and I had the time to do?

Shoes.

The shoes that I wear at my wedding are a really important part of the whole day, to me, and I was going to make sure that adequate attention was given, ahead of time, to picking just the right pair of shoes so that I would

1. be comfy while standing,
2. feel awesome while dancing,
3. feel good about the shoe style in the pictures, and
4. be able to afford them.

And with the saving that I've been doing lately, I believe the 2 pairs that I had to decide between (I bought both, brought them home, and Alex helped me pick the right pair when he came over, so I'll be returning the other pair on Wednesday) were a great fulfillment of my 4 criteria. I felt great. And now, after showing it to Alex and having the chance to chat about the overarching purpose of shoes (not just to be comfy for one day, but to display the image that we are wanting to impart in our wedding ceremony and the image that we want to look back and remember when we look at our wedding photos for the next 60 years), I feel even better. I guess this is what being productive and accomplishing goals feels like. :)

And then after that, I checked the List again, and ooh, planning & booking honeymoon lodging was on there. Something Alex and I needed to get done together. And we had time to do it. >:D I was on a roll!

And after looking at stuff for a few hours and finding something perfect that was completely in a different area than the state that we had been poring over for the past few weeks (lol), we decided on a spot in Gatlinburg, TN, and Alex went home and booked it last night. ^_^

So I have to get ready to go to work now, but yesterday was pretty great. I just wanted to share the exciting stuff I was able to get done, and talk about how helpful it was for me to actually accomplish something instead of just talking about getting it done at some point (while not having the time to ever get it done, since I was always either waking up preparing to go to work, or was at work and keeping up my energy and motivation to keep working, or home from work recovering from the mental exhaustion that I'm getting better and better at handling now that I've had this 40-hr/wk job for a few months now). 

Things are looking up. I am smiley. Thank you all for your support and prayers for me, and just the little things you say and the ways you make me smile. I love you all, and can't wait to see you soon (at the wedding, or even sooner!)

Bye! <3

-ACS (for now), April 23, 2019

Coffee shop pt2

Update — They called me about my resume and wanted to schedule an interview!!

It's not until the 20th, but that's alright. It gives me time to apply to other places, too, just in case that one doesn't work out. I'm so excited!!

Right now I'm struggling with the desire to make it a habit of going to that coffee shop in the mornings, just because I love the atmosphere, and because I want to get to know the people—staff and the regulars—so that if I work there, I'll have them in my memory already.

But coffee is expensive. And I don't know what the pay will be. Their website says that they do Belgian waffles every Saturday morning, and I'm especially interested in coming in for that. They say they go fast, and to arrive early.

It's a dilemma! 😣(Lol I love these emojis, the alternative text for them is hilarious. "Persevering Face" for that one, whereas I would have named it "mfff, ugh" or something lol.)

Anyway :/ How much money can I afford to spend in my efforts to acquaint myself with a potential workplace? I spent like $5 on the coffee that I bought as a courtesy on Tuesday when I went in to ask about applying. Smallest size, too. And it was so delicious. 😋(lol another emoji, this one is "Face Savoring Delicious Food"—very appropriate.)

I'm about to record all my gas station receipts (I just always stuff them in my car's little cubby above the stereo, you know, where I keep my Altoids) from the past month or two, and while I do that, I'll be keeping this in mind. I really want to go back to that coffee shop, but I don't want to be a rude customer who doesn't buy coffee and/or brings their own and uses the free wifi 😬("Grimacing Face", yes yes.) Maybe I can budget a weekly or bi-weekly visit, and maybe they have a cheaper drink option that I would feel better buying. (On Tuesday, it was one of their specialties—a "Purple Rain", a vanilla lavender latte. Sweet hallelujah. I'll need to hope that I'd burn a lot of calories as a barista if I'm gonna work in a place with such heavenly decadence. 😵["Dizzy Face"—I would have called it "Mind-Blowing Excitement" or "Miraculous, Shocking Discovery" or "Disbelief And Ecstatic Realization"]......I think my Adderall and coffee is starting to work, haha. Anyhow. I am definitely going to Planet Fitness today, not only because I'll most likely have the motivation to go and the energy to work out with FIRE IN MY VEINS, but because I was going to cancel my subscription, but realized that I'd already paid for August.)

So yes. I'm excited about possibly working at The Main Cup, and today is going to be a go-and-get-'em day for me I think. I've already begun recording receipts, starting with gas stations and then all the Walmart ones, and I'm about to finish that here in a bit.

Please pray for me as I start a new job in the next month, whether it's at this coffee shop or somewhere else. The last time I got a job in the summer (last year), it was too much all at once and I had to leave after barely three months. I'm doing so much better right now, especially thanks to the Adderall, so I have a good feeling about getting a job this summer. :) Thank you for all of your support, guys! I love you all!


—ACS, August 8, 2018

Cleaning the kitchen

Today I'm doing the dishes.

     There really aren't as many as I feel like there are when I pass the kitchen on my way to my room and avoid looking in the sink for fear that the guilt of leaving them there will descend upon me and keep me from being able to slack off in bliss.

     There really aren't that many.

     -_-

     In fact, I counted the number of forks, spoons, and knives that I own, because I always feel like I need more (and not just because I dirty them up and don't wash them). Man, I look bad in that picture. Anyway. I counted them and discovered this: 

     Ugh, I don't have an even, consistent number of anything! I texted Alex the results and just said..."So this is...kind of...blegh :p I will enjoy having enough money to properly stock a silverware drawer someday."
     And he agreed...I think he has, like, one fork and a spoon? I feel like he must have more than that, but that's all I remember seeing in his drawer when he moved into his new place a couple weeks ago, and I haven't seen any more since then.
     I'm proud of even having any silverware at all. There's a story to how I acquired such a random assortment of silverware, and it begins with Project Grad, 2015.

     It's not really very dramatic like I seem to be making it. But I wanted to add this picture that we miraculously remembered to take while we were there.
     "Project Graduation" was a tradition at our high school, and was a big lock-in party after the graduation ceremony for the seniors and their friends. Each senior was given a ticket and two friend tickets each, and that was the only way any underclassmen could attend. I picked Alicia and Tori, and while I wanted to invite our fourth friend, Mahliya, who was a freshman like Alicia and my brother Rickey, she wasn't allowed to come, and that was too bad. :/ But those three were my best friends from public HS.
     So this party had lots of fun activities, a buffet of food like pizza, oreos, and brownies, an art table stocked by our school's art teacher (I think, if I remember right), and--biggest of all--a bouncy house obstacle course in the gym. It was pretty sweet.
     Aside from getting to run around all night drinking soda and riding tricycles through the cafeteria and the gym with your best friends, there were also gifts for each of the graduating seniors. Since the party was parent-organized and wasn't school-funded, it depended wholly on the group of moms and dads of that year's seniors to raise money for the bouncy house rental, the food, the tricycles, and the games. They also put as much of the funds as they could into the gift baskets. Thinking back, not only was I blessed to be a senior when Miss Pam was on the Project Grad planning team, but I was also lucky (blessed!) to be at that small town school where everybody was somebody, and each student was personally thought of when they graduated and given such a wonderful graduation present.
     That year, the "baskets" for the gifts were these black duffle bags, and they were filled with things a kid might need once they moved out, either on their own to start a career or into a dorm at college. I brought almost everything that I got in that gift basket with me to Liberty, and the few things that I didn't need (like a discounted laptop that had half the capabilities and features of the Mac that I bought later that summer) were easily exchanged at Walmart for in-store credit. I sold that credit to my parents and put that couple hundred toward my own computer purchase, and it's been a magnificent deal. I'll never forget how incredibly I was gifted on my graduation. Thank you to anyone reading who made that celebration happen.
     These are some of the treasures that I found waiting inside my very own duffle bag:

• a big plastic turquoise bowl (my favorite color at the time!) that I would definitely use as a popcorn bowl
• a little bottle of Tide laundry detergent (I was going to need to have my own at the dorm)
• a set of Ziploc-brand plastic containers with lids (great for organizing things in my desk, as well as saving leftovers in the fridge)
• a drawstring net laundry bag (I also got a couple other net laundry hampers, including a three-section one from my grandma that makes it easy to organize clothes by color)
• Other things that I can't remember right now
• Silverware from the dollar store (the ones where a set of 4 forks is taped together and sells for $1) including:
• 4 knives
• 3 forks, tape cut open to remove one of the original 4
• 3 tea spoons, also with tape removed
• 3 dinner spoons, also with tape removed

     It turned out that they only had enough for each student to get 3 of each utensil, and there wasn't an even number, so some people got to have the full set of 4. 

     That's the story of how I got some of my silverware. But the whole story continues a year later in the summer of 2016.

     I couldn't find a picture from the wedding itself without going on Facebook, and I mostly want to post pics from my own photos, but this is from a wedding in Wisconsin that my friend and I (pictured above) were bridesmaids in. We flew up with her mom and stayed in the bible school's dorm, which was in the same building as the reception and was right up the hill from the chapel where the ceremony would be located. However, since it was a dorm we were staying in, and we came up a few days early to help prepare for the wedding, we needed to be able to prepare our own food while we stayed there. I don't think we knew that when we were packing, because we ended up buying pots and pans and cheap dishes to eat from while we were up there. Her mom actually carried a cast-iron dutch oven back on the plane. I contributed on this shopping trip by getting a cute yellow coffee mug from the dollar store and some silverware: knives, teaspoons, and forks, all sets of 4 that were almost the same as the ones I already owned.

     Now that I think about it, I should have another fork somewhere... I know I got 3 when I graduated and I'm pretty sure I bought 4 in Wisconsin, but I don't know where the other one is. Maybe it's lost in my apartment, or maybe while I was at Liberty, it got swept up with someone else's belongings when we were dividing everything up as we moved. Who knows.

     Anyway. I dropped everything an hour ago to count my silverware and then write about it, aaand now I've been blogging and haven't finished the dishes. I can put away the ones that have dried, though, and I won't have to dry them with a towel. 😀I would always rather let them drip-dry than have to dry them off. It's because I'm lazy. But anyway.
     I'm going to get back to doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen and throwing away expired food from the fridge and taking out the trash. I'll see you the next time I get excited about a memory, or how my day is turning out, and just have to share it.

—ACS, August 8, 2018

I'm in a coffee shop

(My email to Neila after she recommended that I walk in and talk to Jim or Jill about applying to this little coffee shop down the road from her counseling office:)

Hey!! I’m in my happy place :)

And Jill gave me a card with their website so that I could send in a resume. She said that they’re having open interviews in a couple Sundays, so I’ll be coming in for that. I ordered a decaf Purple Rain latte (the lavender and vanilla flavor! so good!) and I’m hoping that I can update my resume here and then send it. 

I think I need to upload it to Google Docs so that I can email them a link, since the “Contact Us” page on their website doesn’t have an option for directly uploading files.

Thank you for recommending them to me! It turns out that they’re only hiring 21 and up, so that’s perfect for me. I am very excited and I really hope it works out. I might just hang out in this coffee shop anyway, it has a hipster Christian radio coming through the speakers right above my table and it’s so pleasant and familiar to me. 

Sipping coffee (very, very delicious coffee), listening to the sounds of the regulars chatting and laughing with the baristas…it’s such a nice little spot right now. And I was carrying my Lord of the Rings hoodie, and when I sat down and took out my laptop, it was just a bit chilly so I was able to put it on.

Can I express just how relaxing, invigorating, calming, enthusing, and lovely this is right now? 

Ashley Spence

"The Main Cup in Milford grinds their own their own beans", photo from Yelp!

The struggle is in my mind

This morning, it was hard to wake up, too. I finished off my cereal yesterday, and it's hard to motivate myself without knowing my cereal is there for me. I don't know how many times I looked through the fridge and stood staring at the pantry. Eventually, I decided that the best thing I got from cereal was the protein in the milk, so I poured myself a glass and got chocolate syrup to make it chocolate milk. That worked. But so far, it's the only thing I've eaten.
I need to go to Walmart, I've got a little list of things I need. But without having a good meal, I really don't feel like going out. I'm feeling the temptation to despair, to say it's coming back again, I'm getting worse like last year, but I have to fight that. I can go to Walmart on an empty stomach. I can do that. Heck, I've got some Halloween candy that I can munch on in the car to get some last-minute energy. If I'm desperate, and I am, I can make it to the store.
Then I can come home and eat my cereal, and my day will be fixed.
I've got work this afternoon, and the trend I've seen during this first week of the job is that each day is less bad. Which is good. The kids are getting more used to me every day. And it's only 3:00-6:00, three hours of sitting and encouraging good behavior as well as I can. When I'm done tonight, I'm going to my friends' apartment to hang out and play D&D. That will be fun. :)
I can do this.
I can do this.
I can get up and brush my hair, and put my socks and shoes on, and grab a scarf and my purse.
I can go out to the car and get in and drive to Walmart.
And then I can drive back, get home, and eat my cereal.
I can do this.

The struggle is real

The struggle is in my mind.

Mom's visiting

My mom is flying up from AZ tomorrow! She'll be here from Saturday to Wednesday. She has to do half a day's worth of flying to get back and forth, so it's 3 days and 2 half-days. I've got a list of attractions that I want to show her, it's gonna be cool. I want to take pictures while she's here, because I don't see her as often now that I'm away and I don't come home during school breaks or stuff. I'll probably post pictures on Facebook, but I might post them here, too. :)

P.S. Rickey, you and Noah should come visit me. I miss you guys.

Creative To-Do List updated.

Completed and Incomplete items from a few days ago:

• Listen to Enya's entire 'Greatest Hits' album  Look into buying on iTunes with my iTunes money I've been saving
• Complete "Cinematic Buzz" track in GarageBand and post to SoundCloud. 
• Play piano
• Look for inspiration for a track inspired by 'red 18' from Tori, since other attempts failed at being awesome enough and I'm starting at square 1
• Write a poem for today, possibly about feeling miraculously motivated
• Make a smoothie 
• Finish watching Hotel Transylvania 
• Turn my calendar to October 

I only need to work on Tori's song and write a poem. I once had a New Year's resolution to write one poem every day, but I've barely written 12 poems in the past 12 months...

I went to the doctor yesterday for this cold I've had for the past week and a half, and I got an antibiotic and a lot of instructions on how to get all this stuffiness cleared up. So I'm laying low today, I've got permission to take long naps without setting a timer to wake up after 30 minutes, haha. 

When I finally decided that a week and a half was too long to be sick without doing anything about it, and I knew I had to call the doctor myself to make the appointment, I was kind of nervous about it. But I didn't let that stop me. And then I called, and they were able to get me in so quickly! It was encouraging to see results from doing something that was intimidating to me. 

Who knows what else I'll conquer as I go? Maybe I'll try painting my nails, finally, and just settle for the bad paint job that I'm sure I'll do the first or second time I try. But maybe I'll keep trying, and as I fail forward, I'll get better at it. Then I won't have anything keeping me from painting my own nails. Maybe I should put that on my list for the next thing I tackle. I don't have a job in the food industry anymore, and that kept me from being able to have painted nails at all, previously. But now, I only paint them when I can miraculously end up getting someone else who offers to paint them for me. And then I never take it off, and it just chips off as the months go by...not the best way to go. 

Today I'm sweeping the house. So I'm playing the Enya's Greatest Hits album as I go. I've got the kitchen swept, and I'm going to pull the chairs out and do the dining room...I'll probably take a little break each time I finish a room. I'll get this done, and then I will have accomplished another thing. :)

My Creative To-Do List

Oct 2, 2017 to-do list

• Listen to Enya's entire 'Greatest Hits' album (already through 15 of 20 tracks, consider buying...)
• Complete "Cinematic Buzz" track in GarageBand and post to SoundCloud. I need bass in this track, along with some extra rhythmic layers that soften the buzz
• Play piano
• Look for inspiration for a track inspired by 'red 18' from Tori, since other attempts failed at being awesome enough and I'm starting at square 1
• Write a poem for today, possibly about feeling miraculously motivated
• Make a smoothie 
• Finish watching Hotel Transylvania from Saturday when I started it
• Turn my calendar to October (it's been stuck on April and I haven't taken it down from the wall to change it in exactly six months.)

These are starting to not be just creative things . . . But I can look at them as if they are creative, because, in the end, I'll have more creative energy if I'm motivated by looking at the successes. The little things I've gotten done. That's a better way to look at it, instead of, "I have so much I have to do, and I only feel motivated to do the whimsical things, not the important ones."

If I look at the successes and not the failures, I won't feel like I've let myself down. I can show myself the same grace and mercy and patience that I show to others. Sometimes I hold myself to an impossible standard, and that's when I am overwhelmed by my thoughts. But I want to give myself a break, so that I can keep going and push through when I have those thoughts that I'm not doing a good enough job. 

All these things are doable. So I'll stop writing about it and go try doing it. :)