I'm blogging from a random restaurant by the running trail that my husband is running on today. I was planning to hang out in a cafe against the wall and play some Satisfactory on my laptop since I have it with me, but I decided it would be too much to do here where I'm kind of feeling out in the open...but then I chose to blog instead? Who knows. I don't know what to watch that I wouldn't watch with Alex, and there's not a specific project that I'm working on right now that I could work on, like an image/sign for church or a writing or musical thing, so I'm just blogging/journaling. 

I'm looking at the far wall as I think, but when people walk by and happen to get in the way of my line of vision, it looks like I'm looking at them, which is whatever except when it's a server and they think for a second that I might be trying to get their attention for something, but I'm just sitting at my table and listening to music trying not to stare at people, lol. 

I haven't really taken any cool/interesting photos lately, but I used to post some here and talk about them. I know I have some photos from years ago that I could bring up and talk about, but if I look through the photos I have on my computer or maybe scroll through my Google Photos gallery, I'd have my entire camera roll in front of anyone walking by, which isn't as hard to see by accident as this tiny white-on-black text in my blog post... So maybe I won't do that.

Lately I've been thinking and talking to some of the people in my life about how I wish I was currently working on writing something. I know that back when I had my poetry going strong, and when I was working on a novel or short story, that I loved getting in the zone and just writing for hours and hours.... I miss that feeling, and I wish—no, I want to start something up again. 

But what kind of project should it be? There have been several different types of projects that I've considered over the past few years, and a lot of them were either cool novel ideas that would take a lot of dedication to start, work on regularly, and complete, or research paper ideas that would require kinds of research and data collection and analysis that I have never done before. If I had any ideas outside of these two categories, they were usually related to my desire to seek having more fresh poetry to publish with an actual publishing house, rather than self-publishing like I did in 2018, and not with the same poems held in that edition, and under my married name. I've heard that publishers and agents tend to look down on writers who have self-published in the past, as if it conveys that their work wasn't good enough to try to get it published professionally, or that it had even been denied by a publisher. That's not really the case for me, because I really do think I'd be happy with trying to submit what I wrote to a real publisher—I just didn't know at the time that there was anything wrong with self-publishing. So maybe trying to publish something completely new with no ties to my previous writing could actually work, and negate the potential drawbacks from having self-published before.

—I don't know when Alex will be finished running, and I kind of want to be able to just close my laptop and go, so I might try to wrap this up pretty soon here so that I'm not working on it when they finish running... I do have earbuds in, noise cancelling ones, and I'm often sneaked up on when I'm in this working-on-my-laptop gtg

On vacation

I'm on vacation right now... We just went to the gourmet restaurant that we'd discovered when we were here last year, and man, it was just as amazing as the first time we ate there. They even had new drinks, and I tried one called "The Slayed Dragon" that had only ever been ordered once before, it was so new and different. It was a new spin on a whiskey sour, and it had the traditional egg white included. I knew as soon as I saw even just the name of it on the menu that I wanted to know what it was, and after reading the description and ingredients I knew I wanted to try it. It had a sprig of rosemary and a lot of blackberries blended in it, which ended up as pieces of seeds and fruit and leaf at the bottom of the drink. The egg white was a lot of froth at the top, but otherwise it blended with the drink fairly well. The reason for the name was that it was made with an Irish whiskey called "Slayer Whiskey" and as for me, it was a great choice. I'd had both an old fashioned (not on the menu, but it's a regular enough cocktail for it to be something I could order at any restaurant or bar and get a similar drink, since it's a classic) before that and a chocolate martini afterward, making 3 total cocktails... I did share some of the last two with Vinny and Uncle Dan, though. 

What am I trying to say.... I think tonight was really good. The food and drinks were, of course, but more than that, I had a really nice time sitting across from Alex and then next to him when we moved to sit around the firepit (which was also on the balcony in the restaurant). I knew I was at least tipsy, and that I was talking about things because I'd had a bit to drink, but that didn't mean it wasn't sincere, or that it wasn't something I took seriously and wanted to speak about with Alex; rather, it provided an opportunity for him to listen and the encouragement for me to talk about it. I talked about the discussion we'd been having about whether we want to have children, and how I'd been thinking about it and feeling less bad about deciding not to have any. He said he went back and forth between wanting one or two, and then not wanting any, and I agreed that I went back and forth as well. Then I talked about the song I'd been working on, and about a goal that I'd thought of: trying to write a song good enough to spend money on studio time to do a professional recording of it. He agreed that that would be cool, that it was a good goal. 

I think I'm gonna post this and do something else now, maybe chat with Uncle Dan, or maybe even write a new poem... I just wanted to post an update, and capture the mood I have right now. :)

Going on vacation

I'm going to be at the beach a week from today. ^_^ I'm honestly excited and I hope it's nice weather and that I don't get sunburnt. I've got a beach umbrella, lots of sunblock, and a nice big hat to wear when we're there, so I'm hoping that'll keep my face from the sun at least. But yeah.

Last year was really nice because it had been so long since I'd been to the beach. I missed Lily while we were gone, but Josh and Lee did a great job taking care of her and they even sent a few pictures of them playing with her string toy with her. They're gonna watch her this time too and I'm glad. :)

I saw a new therapist last week, and it was really good, even though I was really strong on the ADD symptoms during the hour I was there... She eventually started to stop me and tell me the next question since I'd answered her previous question. And I was totally ok with it since I always feel like the 1-hour constraints of therapy appointments always feel too short, so I also wanted to move along so we didn't run out of time before we'd gone over all the stuff she wanted to go over. She honestly reminds me of my general prac doctor that I've been seeing since I moved here, which is great. She's succinct and doesn't seem to be either insecure about how well she's doing or focused on being my friend, which is what I need, I think. I need honest answers, the right questions, and solid advice.

Oh I need to post this because my laptop battery is low but I don't feel like plugging it in. Anyway. Next post will probably be pictures from vacation. :)

Btw I wrote this while a youtube video was playing on the TV so I may have said a few things multiple times xP

I Don't Have That Job Anymore Thank God

I was just looking back through a lot of my poetry stuff and I realized that it had been a long time since I'd written anything, and that some of the most recent stuff was literally from the time I tried out being an insurance rep. That didn't last very long, and I think I honestly will need to consider future job offers with a lot more scrutiny since they literally talked me into signing into their pyramid shaped company and telling me I could make my own hours but they thought they could train anyone, and they were wrong. Not everyone is meant to be a salesperson, and I am certainly a great example of that. >_< I hate pretense. I hate following a script. I hate putting on a show in order to convince someone of something they wouldn't have thought of in the first place. I thought I could believe in the importance of having insurance policies, but that wasn't enough, because I had to sell them, too, and that takes more than just "I know people out there are driving around without an insurance policy on them or their partner and their kids are not going to be provided for financially if something happens to them." 

So now I'm a nanny again—I really like it, and that's a good thing, because it isn't easy. This baby isn't even 5 months old yet and he's already exceeding 20 lbs. He's so tall/long and he eats so frickin much! But mostly he's heavy. And holding him takes *groan* upper body strength. T_T But if I'm honest, I'm happy that's the biggest of my worries. His parents are my cousins, I love hanging out with them, they're wonderful people and it's a blessing to be close by them, and I don't know what I would be trying to do as a career if it hadn't been for the chance to nanny for them. Sure, I'm not charging them the rate I would have charged a stranger I was contacted by online, because they're family. But it's worth it to me, in so many ways. 

Anyways, I just wanted to update my blog so that the first thing anyone saw wasn't the "I got a job in insurance!" anymore. I won't be posting any photos of the baby for privacy's sake, but lemme tell ya, he's the cutest chumpey to ever chump, I say. Gah he's just so cute. x)

Here's the latest poem I've written, I think the inspiration came to me when I was clicking through Spotify and saw some of the old playlists I used to love that brought back a wave of memories.

Tinge

It comes from nowhere 

It's the faint, burning prickle 

Springs behind your eyes 

Bidding you stop and wonder 

Why your breath caught in your throat. 

—ACB 3.24.2022

New Job as insurance benefits rep!

10:50 AM - Yooo it's been a long time but I'm posting again! I kinda just want to do some writing to clear my head after being sleepy and having a second cup of coffee after an hour nap on the couch and realizing I really need to get myself up and running so I can get this stuff done.

So I started working with an insurance company called AIL, the local branch here in Ohio is SSBH, and I've been working on getting into this job for a month now. Yeah. 

First, I had to get the state insurance license, and that course took me almost 2 weeks before I completed it and then signed up to take the exam as soon as I could. Luckily, I passed (only needed a 70%, and I got 77%, whew), and from there I also had some waiting to do before my orientation or training could start. Then, they gave me the script that everyone memorizes, and that's currently where I'm at in the process. I have my final script check on Monday at 9am, and I'm scared I won't get it done. I know I can do it, I just have to make myself do it because it's going to take hours of just plugging away at it.

So I'm getting over my self-conscious embarrassment of needing to read and repeat this stupid script (it's fine, it's just annoying to anybody who doesn't need to learn it) when Alex is home, I know he doesn't mind because he wants me to start this job just as much as I do, but I ask him to close the office door whenever I'm working on it just because it helps me a bit. So that's something I need to get over, because I literally have just today to work on it, and he's home today so it won't be the "I'm home while he's at work so I can be as focused and loud as I need to be without overthinking it." 

But I can do this.

I'm gonna start working on it here after I use the restroom (second cup of coffee is kicking in lol) and then maybe I'll update this post with how it went. If I don't pass my final script check on Monday, I will have to wait 3 weeks until Brandy's training is finished so that Sky can start training me at the beginning. Brandy's starting on Monday, so I need to be ready, too. oof -.-

Aerobic exercise!

Aerobic exercise in the neighborhood, woo! 

I just went for a walk with earbuds and sunglasses and a headband covering my ears and a cloth mask and I gotta say, my lips didn't get dry at all since all the condensation of my breath just got breathed back in, and there wasn't any harsh dry wind blowing on my face either. And it's a good thing because I forgot chapstick. I had a packet of tissues just in case my nose started running, since sometimes it does that when I'm in the cold. But it didn't! 😊 Also my sunglasses stayed on even though the headband over my ears and earbuds was keeping the side pieces of the sunglasses from going between my ears and head like usual, so that was a relief. 

All in all, it went great and I definitely want to do this again. This time was only about a 25 min walk to the park and back, but I want to go longer and also work on doing some leg and core workouts as well. And sure, earlier this year I went to our community gym owned by the apartment complex, but that was only once. This time I want to aim for small, doable sessions so that I build up my stamina and strengthen my muscles. ^_^ now I'm gonna take a shower because I NEED one now lol

Coffee in my veins

Hey it's been a while!!! 

These days, I've been home most of the time, but my goal is to start back up at work again this week. The reason I stayed home from work in the first place (I'm working with Shipt so it's up to me how much I work or don't work) was because I ran out of my meds and it took about 3 weeks to get all of them refilled. That long without them took a hard hit on my mental health. And it wasn't just my adderall that I ran out of, which would have just sent me back into sleep-all-day-without-energy-to-focus-on-work-or-anything, but it was my antidepressant too. I shoulda gotten back into the groove of things sooner than now, but that's in the past now and I'm just gonna focus on getting up tomorrow on Monday and getting my coffee, meds, breakfast, and being dressed for a day of shopping down in the part of town that gets more Shipt orders in the morning. I think that I'm going to also get something ready for Alex to eat for lunch so that I don't feel tied to coming back at that time so that I can cook him something. 

Lol, Lily is staring at her shadow on the carpet floor... 

Anywho, tomorrow's gonna be good. So during September I decided that I wanted to see how I would feel if I cut out coffee, so I started on October 1st so that I could track it as a month. I made it to the 14th and I was just so drained of everything I needed to do work, and I decided 2 weeks was enough to tell me all I needed to know. I need coffee. After that, I went back to the previous single cup in the morning, but then the past couple days I've been making French press coffee and having a second cup at lunch. I started using the French press because I ran out of normal coffee grounds :P And I've had the special grounds for the French press for a while now, they've just been sitting in my cupboard. And from everything I've seen after having more coffee during the day, it's a lot better, and I've had the motivation I needed to move around and clean the apartment and get things done. I CERTAINLY need to exercise. I've started to become more aware of that lately, and, well, I guess I've finally been able to separate the shame I associated with my general dislike of exercise and failure to meet the expectations of what I should have been able to do physically. My heart rate always skyrocketed whenever Mom would make me work out with her (which was mostly just walking! Speed walking, but still. Also if there was ever any incline, it was instantly a killer for me) and I never made aerobic exercise a routine or habit in order to try to fix this. 

Oh I see what Lily's been staring at!! It's a bug, probably a fruit fly from the bag of garbage I have sitting by the door for me to take out to the dumpster tomorrow...she's hunting it, haha. 

Well :) If anybody reads this, send me a text or an email and let me know how you are doing! I have so much stuff that I need to get better at, and keeping up with my good friends through the internet is one of those things. I just need to establish habits for all of it. Please pray for me, I really need to get these habits in place soon. In a year we might start having kids, and that'll be another thing to learn, so I need to have this stuff down so that it isn't another thing to add to the pile!

Love you all! Have a great week and a wonderful Thanksgiving. Maybe I'll write again before then, but just in case. :)

 

haiku: "artificial"

the days grow shorter
the nights bring the need for these
artificial lights
 

—ACB, Oct 21

Sitting in Starbucks

How do I sum up what I haven't been keeping this blog updated on for months...

...First I think I'm gonna go to the starbucks bathroom real quick because my fingernails are too long to type fast. Brb.

Okay. I'm done clipping.

Well, there is one thing. I got my first set of tattoos for my birthday last month.

Eating at a local pizza place afterwards!

A couple days afterwards, when they had healed a bit

That was really fun, and for anyone wondering, the font type was Bodoni Book. Just because it was close enough to the complex serif-fonts that I was looking at, but simple enough to show up in a tattoo that small (according to the artists at the shop, Moon Light Tattoos in Loveland).

Other than that, well, the job that I started back in September (just a few weeks after the Aug 31st wedding), it's coming to an end, as I put in my two-week's notice on Monday.

Makes me think of that Michael Jr. standup clip where he talks about how he was just gonna leave his job, and didn't care about waiting two weeks, saying something like, "Two weeks from now, you're gonna notice, I ain't been here for two weeks." I can identify with that. I've had a couple bad days since Monday when the combination of 1) the weather being too gloomy to feel like the sun would ever come back, 2) the way my sleep schedule and breakfast habits had gotten backed up and tangled up, and 3) the simple knowledge that all my work duties had been completed in advance and I wouldn't have anything pressing to keep me occupied during the day if I went in, was all so much weight pulling against any desire to get up and drive to work just to not be needed that I called off early in the morning.

...It's times like this that I look at a sentence I've just pieced together and edited a couple times and wonder, "will anybody actually understand that, even if grammatically I've not made any real mistakes?" Makes me kick myself and then think about how it would have come out even worse if I was just rambling in your ear trying to make sense without editing any of it first.

Whatever. If someone cares to understand it, they can read it again, and that's what I like about written communication. Sure, you can try to remember what someone said afterwards, but man, if they say a lot for a long time, how much of it will you actually be able to remember verbatim? There's also just the human capability to misinterpret a phrase, and then reiterate it in their own words as if quoting that person, which can seem like they're purposefully twisting their words if the original speaker heard their account. God knows I've seen that happen way too much at my job in the kitchen. Sure, none of it came from my boss who hired me and holds my utmost respect for being both a hard worker, a good leader, and a kind, understanding individual with an incredible amount of patience. He doesn't try to get into the details of whose fault it was, but just tells them to quit acting like kids. I mean, he doesn't phrase it that way, I don't think. I can't remember his exact words x) anyway.

So while I'm sitting here...what are some things I need to get off my chest, things that I've put off posting about, that I have the time and presence of mind to attempt a record of?

Then that makes me wonder, what is really worth writing? Is it to help me, to let people know how I am, or just to occupy my mind this morning as I try not to think about the fact that I don't have a job after this one and I just need to get in with a psychiatrist so I can start going to therapy again and also have more insight into the medicinal side of my treatment? I did look up the people on the list of psychologists that our insurance covers, and I found one that's also a psychiatrist. That's been something I've needed to do for over a year, it's what my doctor keeps saying that I'll need to do "if this next addition to my meds isn't working" because she won't have any other go-to's with her general practice's experience and training.

Okay so the thing with my sentences being so long and convoluted: there's two possibilities that I'm considering. One is the possibility that I've been away from school for too long, and I've just been in a working environment where being a wordsmith or even grammatically correct was nowhere on the radar of my coworkers; another is the possibility that I've always been kind of rambly with my speech and writing, but I used to have the attention span to re-read what I'd written and then change it, while now I instead just give up and leave with a sense of having lost my capacity for meaningful and succinct communication. I think it's a combination of both. But still, I don't think I'd fix the problem just by reading books more and conversing with people whose vocabulary and patterns of speech are richer and more "bookish" the way I want to be able to think and therefore write... Maybe I'm just going through a crisis of voice. What do I want my voice to be as a writer? How do I want to come across to readers, and do I really need to try to "be something I'm not" by using bigger words or better phrases? I don't know. I do know that I do want to be able to convey deeper messages than can generally be conveyed through casual, conversational language. I want to talk about life and death, aspirations and disappointments, and all the things I try to solve in my thoughts. I want to put it in writing so that I don't just keep turning it over and over in my mind, which, while my meds have helped with that "circular, non-stop jumping from one thought to another" feeling that was overwhelming back in 2016, isn't neurotypical quite yet, I can say. There's still some imbalances of serotonin and whatever else is missing up there. The obsessive compulsion to always write in full, non-fragmented sentences is a trait of one of those imbalances, I'm sure. Or it's a result of the imbalance having been part of my growing up for those developmental years, and has now made a permanent mark on my perception of myself and the world around me.

I also use passive voice a lot, and I remember that back in 2011 and before, my MS Word grammar correction would underline sentences with passive voice as if it were incorrect. It's not only a reflection of my "passive" nature of not wanting to attribute blame to anyone in particular when speaking about a problem, but it's an aspect of the Indonesian language that I was introduced to when my parents were recounting their language learning lessons during our first year in the country. I didn't really have my own lens to look at that world through, but I knew what my parents thought of all the cultural differences. Sometimes I sided with them in their first-world bias, and other times I rejected their aversion to the culture I lived in from age 8 to 16.... Did I just jump from the subject of my speech patterns, to my mental health, to my speech patterns, to my childhood and thoughts of my parents' influence on my perception of the world?

I think that this is exactly the type of thing I've needed to put into writing. I don't know if it will offend anyone reading, or if this instance of vulnerability will come back to haunt me. Not like many people read my blog. I did that on purpose. But hey... If that dream of becoming an author did come true, I think the kind of people who would be fans of my fiction or poetry would be the kinds of people who would read my old blog posts and discuss them in ways that might make me regret how open I'd been.

But maybe I could just get over it and not worry about how one future version of me might think I'd been too brave. I've heard that people regret the things that they didn't do more than the things they did. One of those deathbed revelation things, like "go for it while you're alive, because there's going to come a time where you'll wish you had taken that chance while you had it."

Or maybe I just have a bloated sense of self, and I should think of myself less, and instead figure out what to focus on.... But then I think, if I don't know myself, both in my strengths and my weaknesses, how will I make good decisions in situations where knowing if I would be a help or a hindrance by offering advice or assistance? One feeling that I hate is that of realizing that I made things worse by trying to insert myself into the situation, because I really didn't know the background of the issue and the root of the conflict. When I try to mediate an argument, I don't want to make it worse by interfering, of course! And I would know if I was going to be halting progress if I knew myself and my limitations. And solving arguments is just one example of things you need experience and knowledge of yourself in order to succeed....succeed in...no, that's a prepositional....what's-it-called... Split prepositions? No, that's split imperatives that I'm thinking of. It's a rule that prepositions need to have their object coming after them, but is that a preposition?

Solving arguments is just one example (of things (that you need experience and knowledge of yourself) (in order) (to succeed in)). 

Prepositions that have that many words inside them are clauses, right?

In a way, I want to go back to school to brush up on my memorized knowledge of grammar. But man, thinking about going back to school just makes my bones shake. Some of the worst moments of frozen panic that I've ever experienced were brought on by the multitude of anxieties that being a student can produce. Do I really want to do that to myself again? Or, rather, have I really grown and healed enough from that point that I could do any better a second time around? I hate making the same mistake twice. I really don't want to make an expensive mistake like that twice, either, especially since so many people's expectations would be upon me. I almost want to secretly get an online degree and not bother to tell people who wouldn't need to know.

Do I really care that much about what people think of me?

Yes. Parents and in-laws want me to succeed, to be happy, and to have a good job and a chance to move up in life, and I don't want to make them wonder if I'm really happy when I fail out of college a second time. If I do. I don't know.

This is how my thoughts unfold...hard to follow, maybe, but probably just hard to understand the logic and reasoning in the leaps of conclusions. I have trouble getting to the root of why I think one thing about a way I feel. Like, there's so much history and cultural association and learned bias that goes into one's worldview and just general interpretation of the events of one's life. It's something that a therapist dives into and brings a fresh, structured perspective to in order to solve the barriers that their client has in front of them holding them back from a normal life. That's something I'll be really benefiting from as soon as I can get in with a psychologist/psychiatrist. I was seeing Neila last year, but things got busy and I was working almost full time and things seemed to be going pretty great every time I visited, so I came less often. Then I got married and things were wonderful and I had that extra boost to get me off of one dark thought and back to reality. But winter changes those things, and I need to get back in with a therapist so that I can regain the stability that I need.

I think this has been a pretty good summary of the contents of my thoughts. I should get some solid food in me so that all this coffee doesn't just throw me into a jittery, obsessive track that ends up dumping me into an exhausted heap on the couch in a few hours... It might already be on that track, seeing as I've been writing pretty obsessively for about an hour and 45 minutes, but eh. I'll work it out. Food.

I could make some pigs-in-a-blanket and clean up the kitchen while they're in the oven, that would be good. It would get me back home, too. I don't really want to run errands until I get worn out. I think this is a good plan. :) I should post more pictures of me and Lily, too. I have a cat! taken in from my cousin whose other two boy cats were harassing it into a paranoid behavior that wasn't going away no matter what she tried. She's completely changed, has a brand new personality, actually wants to be out and around people, and gives love and attention in a way she never did before. It's beautiful.

Lily curled up in this space beside me on the couch and fell asleep like that. This was exactly the comfort I needed.

Okay, I'll close this off and start packing up to go home. Thanks to anyone who read or skimmed any of this, and I hope your day is filled with uplifting thoughts and that you are able to spread joy to someone else during your interactions with people.

God bless,

—ACS 1.31.2020
(still haven't gone to social security offices to change my last name yet)

oh yeah, and coronavirus. we're worried it'll become a panicky thing. so we got shelf-stable foods and water bottles just in case nationwide panic ensues. I feel like it's a kind of "prepper" sort of action to take, but at least I'll use all this stuff anyway, even if we don't lose power or need to stop using the tap water. Just in case. :/ Okay. Bye!

poem of a winter morning

1/10/20

Even though the sky is dreary 

 And of my own thoughts I'm leery 

 I must not give in to them 

 Somehow I must think more clearly. 

 

I turned on the living room light 

 And thoughts of sleeping all set flight 

 Why I sat in the dark alone 

 I don't know, but this feels right. 

I've taken the dose of vitamin D 

 I've listened to my stomach's plea 

 To give it healthy, complex carbs 

 So I hope today is better for me. 

we got professional photos taken o.o

These are our engagement photos:

https://gallery.yoxphotography.com/-ashleyalexengagement/gallery

I think you should be able to access them, but there might be a login thing, I don't know. but if it works then sweet 👍These are just some of my favorites, but the full rez ones will be in the link.