I'm blogging from a random restaurant by the running trail that my husband is running on today. I was planning to hang out in a cafe against the wall and play some Satisfactory on my laptop since I have it with me, but I decided it would be too much to do here where I'm kind of feeling out in the open...but then I chose to blog instead? Who knows. I don't know what to watch that I wouldn't watch with Alex, and there's not a specific project that I'm working on right now that I could work on, like an image/sign for church or a writing or musical thing, so I'm just blogging/journaling. 

I'm looking at the far wall as I think, but when people walk by and happen to get in the way of my line of vision, it looks like I'm looking at them, which is whatever except when it's a server and they think for a second that I might be trying to get their attention for something, but I'm just sitting at my table and listening to music trying not to stare at people, lol. 

I haven't really taken any cool/interesting photos lately, but I used to post some here and talk about them. I know I have some photos from years ago that I could bring up and talk about, but if I look through the photos I have on my computer or maybe scroll through my Google Photos gallery, I'd have my entire camera roll in front of anyone walking by, which isn't as hard to see by accident as this tiny white-on-black text in my blog post... So maybe I won't do that.

Lately I've been thinking and talking to some of the people in my life about how I wish I was currently working on writing something. I know that back when I had my poetry going strong, and when I was working on a novel or short story, that I loved getting in the zone and just writing for hours and hours.... I miss that feeling, and I wish—no, I want to start something up again. 

But what kind of project should it be? There have been several different types of projects that I've considered over the past few years, and a lot of them were either cool novel ideas that would take a lot of dedication to start, work on regularly, and complete, or research paper ideas that would require kinds of research and data collection and analysis that I have never done before. If I had any ideas outside of these two categories, they were usually related to my desire to seek having more fresh poetry to publish with an actual publishing house, rather than self-publishing like I did in 2018, and not with the same poems held in that edition, and under my married name. I've heard that publishers and agents tend to look down on writers who have self-published in the past, as if it conveys that their work wasn't good enough to try to get it published professionally, or that it had even been denied by a publisher. That's not really the case for me, because I really do think I'd be happy with trying to submit what I wrote to a real publisher—I just didn't know at the time that there was anything wrong with self-publishing. So maybe trying to publish something completely new with no ties to my previous writing could actually work, and negate the potential drawbacks from having self-published before.

—I don't know when Alex will be finished running, and I kind of want to be able to just close my laptop and go, so I might try to wrap this up pretty soon here so that I'm not working on it when they finish running... I do have earbuds in, noise cancelling ones, and I'm often sneaked up on when I'm in this working-on-my-laptop gtg

On vacation

I'm on vacation right now... We just went to the gourmet restaurant that we'd discovered when we were here last year, and man, it was just as amazing as the first time we ate there. They even had new drinks, and I tried one called "The Slayed Dragon" that had only ever been ordered once before, it was so new and different. It was a new spin on a whiskey sour, and it had the traditional egg white included. I knew as soon as I saw even just the name of it on the menu that I wanted to know what it was, and after reading the description and ingredients I knew I wanted to try it. It had a sprig of rosemary and a lot of blackberries blended in it, which ended up as pieces of seeds and fruit and leaf at the bottom of the drink. The egg white was a lot of froth at the top, but otherwise it blended with the drink fairly well. The reason for the name was that it was made with an Irish whiskey called "Slayer Whiskey" and as for me, it was a great choice. I'd had both an old fashioned (not on the menu, but it's a regular enough cocktail for it to be something I could order at any restaurant or bar and get a similar drink, since it's a classic) before that and a chocolate martini afterward, making 3 total cocktails... I did share some of the last two with Vinny and Uncle Dan, though. 

What am I trying to say.... I think tonight was really good. The food and drinks were, of course, but more than that, I had a really nice time sitting across from Alex and then next to him when we moved to sit around the firepit (which was also on the balcony in the restaurant). I knew I was at least tipsy, and that I was talking about things because I'd had a bit to drink, but that didn't mean it wasn't sincere, or that it wasn't something I took seriously and wanted to speak about with Alex; rather, it provided an opportunity for him to listen and the encouragement for me to talk about it. I talked about the discussion we'd been having about whether we want to have children, and how I'd been thinking about it and feeling less bad about deciding not to have any. He said he went back and forth between wanting one or two, and then not wanting any, and I agreed that I went back and forth as well. Then I talked about the song I'd been working on, and about a goal that I'd thought of: trying to write a song good enough to spend money on studio time to do a professional recording of it. He agreed that that would be cool, that it was a good goal. 

I think I'm gonna post this and do something else now, maybe chat with Uncle Dan, or maybe even write a new poem... I just wanted to post an update, and capture the mood I have right now. :)

Going on vacation

I'm going to be at the beach a week from today. ^_^ I'm honestly excited and I hope it's nice weather and that I don't get sunburnt. I've got a beach umbrella, lots of sunblock, and a nice big hat to wear when we're there, so I'm hoping that'll keep my face from the sun at least. But yeah.

Last year was really nice because it had been so long since I'd been to the beach. I missed Lily while we were gone, but Josh and Lee did a great job taking care of her and they even sent a few pictures of them playing with her string toy with her. They're gonna watch her this time too and I'm glad. :)

I saw a new therapist last week, and it was really good, even though I was really strong on the ADD symptoms during the hour I was there... She eventually started to stop me and tell me the next question since I'd answered her previous question. And I was totally ok with it since I always feel like the 1-hour constraints of therapy appointments always feel too short, so I also wanted to move along so we didn't run out of time before we'd gone over all the stuff she wanted to go over. She honestly reminds me of my general prac doctor that I've been seeing since I moved here, which is great. She's succinct and doesn't seem to be either insecure about how well she's doing or focused on being my friend, which is what I need, I think. I need honest answers, the right questions, and solid advice.

Oh I need to post this because my laptop battery is low but I don't feel like plugging it in. Anyway. Next post will probably be pictures from vacation. :)

Btw I wrote this while a youtube video was playing on the TV so I may have said a few things multiple times xP

I Don't Have That Job Anymore Thank God

I was just looking back through a lot of my poetry stuff and I realized that it had been a long time since I'd written anything, and that some of the most recent stuff was literally from the time I tried out being an insurance rep. That didn't last very long, and I think I honestly will need to consider future job offers with a lot more scrutiny since they literally talked me into signing into their pyramid shaped company and telling me I could make my own hours but they thought they could train anyone, and they were wrong. Not everyone is meant to be a salesperson, and I am certainly a great example of that. >_< I hate pretense. I hate following a script. I hate putting on a show in order to convince someone of something they wouldn't have thought of in the first place. I thought I could believe in the importance of having insurance policies, but that wasn't enough, because I had to sell them, too, and that takes more than just "I know people out there are driving around without an insurance policy on them or their partner and their kids are not going to be provided for financially if something happens to them." 

So now I'm a nanny again—I really like it, and that's a good thing, because it isn't easy. This baby isn't even 5 months old yet and he's already exceeding 20 lbs. He's so tall/long and he eats so frickin much! But mostly he's heavy. And holding him takes *groan* upper body strength. T_T But if I'm honest, I'm happy that's the biggest of my worries. His parents are my cousins, I love hanging out with them, they're wonderful people and it's a blessing to be close by them, and I don't know what I would be trying to do as a career if it hadn't been for the chance to nanny for them. Sure, I'm not charging them the rate I would have charged a stranger I was contacted by online, because they're family. But it's worth it to me, in so many ways. 

Anyways, I just wanted to update my blog so that the first thing anyone saw wasn't the "I got a job in insurance!" anymore. I won't be posting any photos of the baby for privacy's sake, but lemme tell ya, he's the cutest chumpey to ever chump, I say. Gah he's just so cute. x)

Here's the latest poem I've written, I think the inspiration came to me when I was clicking through Spotify and saw some of the old playlists I used to love that brought back a wave of memories.

Tinge

It comes from nowhere 

It's the faint, burning prickle 

Springs behind your eyes 

Bidding you stop and wonder 

Why your breath caught in your throat. 

—ACB 3.24.2022